


Premium Jerk

by animehead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-14
Updated: 2012-09-14
Packaged: 2017-11-14 05:01:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/511584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animehead/pseuds/animehead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirk suffers through watching nasty, premium, bitches with Caliborn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Premium Jerk

You’ve gone from interest, to mild interest, to just plain bored as fucking hell. You place your elbow on the table so that you can rest your chin in your hand. Otherwise, you think you may end up slamming your face against your keyboard.   
  
This is the most boring, tame ass, excuse for pornography you’ve ever seen.   
  
“Getting pretty tired here,” you say. “I think I may go ahead and go to be—”  
  
“No!” Caliborn cuts you off. “You’ll stay right there and watch until its completion, you piece of shit. It’s already gold, but it gets better. So much better.”  
  
You close your eyes and rub at your temples while somehow managing not to stab yourself in the wrist on the pointy edge of your glasses. “I can’t imagine anything better than this.” There’s sarcasm dripping from your words. No, scratch that. It’s more like a fountain gushing from each syllable. With anyone else, it’d hit them hard, splattering in their faces— a syntax bukkake, if you will.   
  
With him that shit flies right over his head.   
  
“Oh, you’ll see how much better it gets,” he says. “Just look at them.” His voice booms through your speakers, so you turn down the volume. “Dirk,” He groans and cackles. “Look at those premium bitches and their filthy asses get down. Fuuuuuck.”  
  
For the record, there is absolutely nothing premium or filthy about watching one chick pin a flower in another chick’s hair. Nothing. You’re pretty sure that squeezing toothpaste out of a tube of Crest could work faster at putting you in bonertown than this snoozefest.   
  
Why did you agree to watch this dumb movie he’s streaming in the first place?  
  
“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but this movie blows,” you say.   
  
“What? Fuck you. This movie is perfect. Look at the way she uses the back of her hand to brush the other one’s cheek. Fucking scandalous! This is… so unbelievably dirty.”  
  
You look at the screen and try to find anything remotely dirty about it. “Looks like her nipples are poking through her dress. That’s kind of hot, I suppose.”  
  
“What?! That’s disgusting. What the fuck is wrong with you? No one is interested in seeing human nipples. Now shut up and look at how that one bitch touches the other’s face. Fuck, I can’t believe I’m watching this. So fucking tender. Dirk, look at it. Look how fucking tend— Oh, wait. What did that one bitch say? I missed it. It was something about her eyes. I have to hear that nasty shit again. All of it. I’m going back to the begin—.”  
  
“Dude, no. Listen, this movie is scripted. None of this is sincere. It’s fake. They’re actresses.”  
  
The movie pauses. “What? What do you mean these bitches are actresses? This is the nastiest most sincere shit I’ve ever seen.”  
  
“Fake, bro.”  
  
“Fuck that. Fuck you. And fuck the noise spewing out your dumb human mouth hole. These nasty bitches are so into each other I can almost taste it.” The movie plays at its current scene and you quirk a brow when you hear Caliborn groan.   
  
“How does it taste?” you ask.   
  
“Sweet,” he answers. “The sweetest candy I’ve ever tasted.”   
  
“Oh, yeah?”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
You’re bored. You’re feeling creative.   
  
You feel like humoring yourself.   
  
“What kind of candy?”  
  
“What?” Caliborn mumbles. You can tell he’s distracted by the movie.   
  
“The candy,” you say. “What type? Is it soft like gummy candy or is it hard candy? Hard candy is the best, I think.”  
  
“Yes,” he answers. The two women are hugging now and you’re pretty certain they’re about to kiss. “Hard candy is good. Hard…” he says.  
  
“Very hard,” you agree. “How do you like to eat it? Your hard candy, I mean. Do you just bite down on it without worrying about fucking up your teeth or do you suck it? To… you know, get that maximum flavor?”  
  
The women are making out now. Nothing too heated. Boring, gentle ass shit. The stuff that you know Caliborn gets off on.   
  
“Maximum… is… yes…”   
  
There’s a close-up shot of the two women feeding each other strawberries. Pink lips wrapped around plump, red, fruit. You’re not certain, but you think maybe you heard Caliborn gasp.   
  
“So you like to suck, then?” You don’t wait for him to answer. “Say someone, let’s say me for example, gave you a really big piece of candy. Let’s also say that piece of candy was too massive to fit into your mouth. How would you handle that type of complicated candy situation?”  
  
You’re still staring at your monitor. There’s less kissing going on and more talking, but they’re obviously into each other enough to hold a decent amount of Caliborn’s attention, but not so much that he doesn’t register what you’re saying.   
  
“I could fit the entire thing in my mouth. No fucking question,” he answers.   
  
“Could you?” you ask. “Wouldn’t you worry about choking?”  
  
“My anatomy is far superior to your tiny human candyholes.”  
  
“Candyholes? That’s an interesting choice of words.” You’re not even watching the film anymore. It’s so boring. Who the fuck cares? Well, other than Caliborn, of course.  
  
“I don’t need you to tell me what’s interesting. I already know how fascinating I am.”  
  
“Right, right,” you agree. “And just for the record here. You’re saying that you could fit my candy completely in your mouth.”  
  
“Yes,” Caliborn growls. “Open up those tiny flesh dangles you humans call ears. I could fit your orange candy completely in my mouth.”  
  
“Why does my candy have to be orange?” you ask. “It’s my candy. Shouldn’t I get to pick the flavor and color of that which it is?”  
  
“Fine. Pick your flavor.”  
  
“My candy is is white and maybe a little pink and it’s cream flavored.”  
  
Caliborn scoffs. “What kind of fucked up human candy is that?” he asks before continuing. “Ha, it doesn’t matter. I’ll take your candy from you and put it in my mouth. I’ll swallow it whole. You’d hate that, wouldn’t you? You’d be so angry, you’d cry!”  
  
“I don’t know about the angry part, but I might cry.”  
  
“You’re damn right, you’d cry. Once I get your candy in my mouth and start sucking, you’d…”  
  
“I’d… what?” You breathe out.   
  
“Wait. What are you doing?” Caliborn asks. “What’s that sound? Why are you breathing so hard?”  
  
“I d-don’t know what you’re talking about,” you say. “I’m just…ahh…sitting here talking about you sucking my candy, remember?”  
  
“Ugh! You putrid little… You’re getting excited from this, aren’t you? Thoughts of me sucking your candy have stimulated you! Where are your vile human hands?!”  
  
“On my desk,” you answer. “…Well, one of them, a-anyway.”  
  
“Disgusting! That’s it. The stream is over and so is this call. I’m signing off your twisted, douchebag.   
  
“Come on,” you say. “Don’t be like that, b-bro.”  
  
“That’s enough! We’re done here,” he shouts before quickly adding, “I’ll keep the stream paused so we can watch it later.” He ends your voice call a second later.   
  
You look down at your hands. One is resting atop your desk; the other is sitting on your thigh. It amuses you that he thought you were actually getting off to his pointless ramblings. You shrug and unzip your pants. Oh, what the hell?  
  
You might as well.


End file.
